What the hell am I doing?

Have you ever just woke up and said What the hell am I doing?  I sure hope so. I don’t want to think I’m the only person going through this thing called life with not a clue. I thought by 46 Id have my life figured out. But not a chance. I am sitting here at the coffee shop across from my high rise apartment thinking.

“Where has my life went? Where is my life going”?

Most people have been in the same job (career) for you know years and me, I change my mind about work almost as much as I change underwear. “Ok, Ok. I change my underwear daily”, I swear. *smiles*.

But really, do you wanna know the jobs I have had in my life?

I have done the makeup counter gig, waited tables, wiped old peoples asses and did the photographer thing, but who hasn’t done that? Right?

I have joined a few network marketing gigs of course too. You know like Home & Garden Party, Nerium and Younique. Let me tell you, I have a LOT of makeup, hardly any wrinkles and I can cook a mean beef roast (in my home and garden stoneware), oh wait, that’s right I barely cook *shrugs*.

I see so many others make black status, earn cars and trips. I was home like that should be me. Yeah maybe if I motivated myself to get out of my pajamas, wash my hair and you know network.

Now I read this and think wow, I seem so un-motivated, lazy, and maybe lack a whole lot of follow through. But I like to blame it on my ADHD and being a Gemini. I bore easily, really I do.

My passion has always been writing and just being a snarky smart ass, I really wish that would pay my bills and get me the Louie Vuitton bag I’ve been dreaming about for 25 years.

I am writing a book, really I am, but let me tell you because I’m all over the place, it could be a romance, smutty, horror, drama, possibly even sci fi book all in one.

Can we say EDIT, EDIT, EDIT…??

So really, What the hell am I doing?

Wanna know what my work consists of?

Background extra work in feature films and tv. Which ok, is kind of fun. I mean there are days they are doing my hair and makeup and I get to act like some character that I would never probably dress up like and I have worked with some major A listers and really the behind the scenes is fun to watch but it’s long hours and my diet has become animal crackers and tootsie rolls and really BAD coffee.

Did I mention I’m ADHD and talk a lot before, if not let me remind you now. Because when on set, you have to be quiet and not talk. Do you know how hard that is for a girl like me?

So really, What the hell am I doing?

When will I figure out my life, my purpose?

Will I ever, is it too late?

I mean I am meant to do something, right? I always thought I’d do great things, inspire a nation, you know do something important and make my mark in this world.

Now, I am just I don’t know amped on coffee and more confused then when I started this blog. Maybe I could become a rock star next? Wait I don’t sing.

Crazy, confused in Nashville.








13 thoughts on “What the hell am I doing?

  1. This was fantastic as always. A very honest retrospective that takes ownership, not some boo hoo shit commentary. I enjoyed it. On the other hand it does sound like you lead a pretty cool life. As a writer myself I identify. Hope you get some kick ass coffee soon miss!

    Liked by 1 person

      • It’s funny. When I was younger, I looked at someone that was older (like my current age) as having it all together and a plan for life. Now at that age myself, I feel like a teenager stuck in an older body. And like you, I’m still looking to figure it all out.

        Liked by 1 person

      • I think owning your crazy, or immaturity, or whatever it is that makes you…”you” is key to enjoying the moment. Maybe to those younger we appear to have a plan. (Suckers!)

        Liked by 1 person

  2. Welcome back, amiga! As always, good writing (style and content). Good to see you post, hope to see more soon.

    And h3ll, no one ever really figures out what they want to do. It happens, and all you can do is go along for the ride.

    Liked by 1 person

  3. Literally story of my life. I have ADHD, I still live at home. At the moment my job is trying to start a freelance writing business, part-time in a bookshop, and part-time looking after special needs kids. I feel like the laziest person ever and I regularly look at my life and think, “What the fuck am I doing???”

    I don’t anyone ever stops thinking that though to be honest…

    Liked by 1 person

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