But He Didn’t Look Sick

A few weeks ago, a friend of mine passed away. I cried like people always do and thought why, God, why, he was only 58. You know why he died, because he was sick and dying. He had been diagnosed with cancer. He was given a death sentence in months. So why did I think he was going to live?

Now let me state this is NOT the first time this has happened to me. 6 years ago in May my dad got that same death sentence. The doctors gave him a time frame and sent him on his way.

Why is it, I can’t understand and realize that when someone says your going to die, chances are YOU are going to die.

This is why.

Up until the last time my dad went into the hospital, he looked healthy. I mean yes, he had a port in his chest but he didn’t lose his hair, hell he didn’t even lose his belly. He looked like the same healthy dad I gazed upon for years. I guess because he didn’t look like one of those cancer patients you see on tv or in the movies, 99 lbs, no hair and puking constantly and looking like death was just minutes away I thought, no I convinced myself that he was going to live, he wasn’t sick. He didn’t look sick. He will beat this, he will live.

My friend, he too, great head of hair, heck a few days before had messaged and said he was doing ok. How does ok turn into dead a few days later?

I think our minds play tricks on us, we want them to be ok, so we make them ok. We want them to be here with us forever or at least til they are old, like 90 something and die quietly, comfortably in bed, you know like in “The Notebook” or I guess at least I do/did so somehow I just think oh they look great, so they are fine, healthy, no more cancer, no more illness, no more death sentence, but I do know so why do I feel so shocked when death comes?

For me, this always makes it harder for me to move on, let go, mourn even. It’s like I’m frozen in thoughts of really, dead? How did this happen?

Cancer is what happened.

My dad, my friend they fought hard battles and yes they didn’t look sick but their battle was so real and I am sorry I didn’t realize that the end was coming. I didn’t truly see that looking healthy didn’t mean it was going to be ok. I fooled myself. I did hope, I did pray, more than anyone will ever know that some miracle would come and the outcome would be different. But sadly, life doesn’t always give you that miracle.

My dad, a few weeks before he died. Looking yeah, not sick, definitely not dying….~!!

dad.jpg

To all those battling cancers, much love and I pray that you get your miracle and YOU live and that your death doesn’t come with a date by a doctor.

I also pray that your family finds comfort and makes the memories they should while they can and never lets their minds play tricks on them and thinks if you look ok, you have cancer beat…~!!

Prayers and thoughts to anyone who has been affected by cancer or the death of a loved one from it.

A beautiful song I want to share:

 

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8 thoughts on “But He Didn’t Look Sick

  1. I’ve lost a few people to cancer, and being on the other side of that road where they looked like the movie’s, let me just say that I still struggle with remembering my mom before she got sick, lost all her weight and looked like a walking skeleton. It’s not easy either side of that fence, for sure. And it sucks. Love the smile your dad has on his face in that photo though.

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  2. Sorry for the loss of your friend. We can’t help but to relive those moments and stir those feelings to the surface when presented with this sort of loss. However, for every tear I fight back, there is a good memory to offset it. I had not thought about him yet today until reading your post. Now I have. And I am thankful for that. Take care and thank you.

    Liked by 1 person

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